Church Newsletters

I was rummaging around some old collector's items and found this summarizaton of actual messages taken from church newsletters.  I recall that when I read them the first time, tears rolled down my cheeks from laughter.  Reading them again had the same result.  I don't know where this collection of extracts from church newsletters came from, they were one of the humorous items passed around the office when e-mail first became the way to communicate in and among offices.  Enjoy!

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 pm.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.  Please use the back door.

ANNOINTING OF THE SICK: If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Usher will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH.  The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD.

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP - THE SPEAKING OF EVIL  The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY.

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 – EUTHANASIA.  The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE.

The sermon this morning: PREDESTINATION - WHAT ABOUT HELL?  The closing song: I'LL GO WHERE YOU WANT ME TO GO.